LaDarrel Thirgidsdottir, The Stool
After years of attempted decision making with lackluster results, the SBA finally admitted that the association’s belief in its own supreme powers was unfounded.
“Perhaps we really aren’t as powerful as we think we are,” said spokeswoman Marissa C. Towne in a press conference Monday afternoon. “After taking a look at what we’ve accomplished over the years, it became apparent that we haven’t really managed to do much of anything.”
When asked what the SBA planned to do to change their apparent lack of influence, Towne replied, “Well, we’ve just got to reassert our dominion over the student body. We’ve already started to restructure ourselves. Just last week we gave ourselves new titles. I’m now ‘Lord Captain Commander’ Towne, for instance, and we’ve started referring to the SBA President [Drew Gibbs] as ‘His Grace, the Captain of the Dawn, Triumph of the East, the Bringer of Light.' We think that these new titles will really show people how awesome we are.”
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Board of Trustees abandons new school mascot due to school's conflict of interest with weiner industry
Corriander Von Vanderbling
Editor in Chief
A William Mitchell Production
Board of Trustees abandons new school mascot due to school's conflict of interest with weiner industry
Letter from the Editor
A new decade, a new source of beryllium
My agents in the former Soviet republics have unearthed a cache of beryllium such that the Von Vanderbling name will forever be linked to this, the most popular of all alkaline earth metals. With the ensuing financial windfall I plan to take this vaunted news organization to unprecedented heights – children will weep in their beds at the mere thought of our awe-inspiring power. Women will stand up to urinate when contemplating the pancreas-crushing force of our collective will in modern media.
Hansfeld, my Palestinian houseboy, assures me I will soon be able to halt the nervous tugging on my scrotum in which I’ve recently engaged as a habit when poring over my financial numbers. Lift your glasses with me dear readers! To liberty! To diplomatic immunity!
Corriander Von Vanderbling
Editor in Chief
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The Stool is a satirical newspaper. The Stool uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. The content of this website - graphics, text and other elements - is (c) Copyright 2009 by The Stool, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. The Stool is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.