Faculty gets funky, is weird

Franz Pincer, The Stool

The 2008 Spring semester at William Mitchell has brought a number of exciting improvements to the College; like a rearranged trophy-type case in the library hallway, about fifty new flat-screen monitors posting entirely worthless information throughout the school, and a freshly funktified faculty.

To the utter mystification of students, a new swagger can be seen on certain members of the Mitchell Mix’s own, complete with an improper injection of “youth-slang”. This new vernacular seems to be a hybrid of Snoop Dogg’s specialized “izzo-speak” with the completely fantastical “Jive” spoken only in the movie “Airplane.”

“The faculty is making a concerted effort to inure good fizeelings in the student body, chill. We hope that what has heretofore been a diametrically opposed paradigm can shifty-shizz and become jiggy with the hizzos and brizzos, honky.” Said one adjunct faculty member.

Deans Janus and Thompson are even rumored to have posted pages on Facebook, which, to many students, is more weird than cool. “It’s not like they’re hangin’ loose, kickin’ it wit da stuzzos, or something. I mean, it’s a little creepy predator-like” said a 2L on condition of anonymity.

The perplexed student body continues to laugh off the complete disconnect by Mitchell staffers, but is left to ponder one very serious question: Will this be a passing fad – like a registration system that makes sense – or will we be forced to endure the new lexicon like the piece of shit excuse for artwork in the library? Hmmm.