3L Off the Chili

Franz Pincer, The Stool

Billy Numack is officially off the cafeteria chili. “That pot of stank really did a number on my GI. Five semesters of consuming that molten gutrot and I practically need a colostomy bag! It literally ripped me a new asshole!” Numack complained Thursday.

Forced to endure a strict regimen of Diet Coke and Saltine crackers, Numack is one of many victims of cafeteria poisoning known locally as “Crapeteritis”. Not to be confused with actual poisoning, Crapeteritis is a rare digestive disorder resulting from repeated ingestion of highly delicious but only semi-digestible, high-calorie, low-nutrient foods that make one feel like ass.

1L Mandy Ginkell was helpful in diagnosing her fellow student’s acute Itis. “I knew right away that [2L Bars Lafely] been swilling that cafeteria slop when I saw him lurking near the bathroom. He kept clutching his stomach, and his upper lip was sweating pretty profusely. I was a nutrition major at Gustavus.” According to Ginkell, other signs that students are suffering from the Itis include: excessive and unclaimed gas usually emitted during lecture or crop-dusted in hallways; retching; that wafting stench in the hallway between the one private men’s room and the cafeteria; constipation; diarrhea and dry mouth.

Cafeteria officials could not be reached for comment, but a representative for the school suggested alternating the chili with other tasty food substitutes such as chicken fingers, tasteless pizza and Pop Tarts.