Tom Leet, The Stool
Midway through the semester and under pressure to spend their budgets, student group leaders have realized that their groups don’t actually do anything or have anything significant to say. Jane Ingbar, President of Beta Theta Phi law fraternity, silently left the organization’s first general meeting of the semester last Thursday close to tears.
“I don’t understand what happened. I had a two-page outline for Christ’s sake!” said Ingbar. “Two pages! And the pizza was ten minutes late so I seriously thought I could shoot the shit with the other members – you know, kill some time – turns out, I don’t really know any of these people. How the hell are you supposed to talk to people you don’t even know?
“Well, regardless, of the panic that set in while waiting for the delivery guy, I was halfway through my outline five minutes into the meeting! Do you know!?! Do you have any fucking idea what that’s like!?!”
Ingbar then suddenly became silent as her lips continued to move while she wildly gesticulated, but nothing audible came out of her mouth. Somewhere in the distance, a dog howled.
Billy Anderson, Beta Theta Phi’s vice-president, walked up behind his organization’s head officer and slowly led her away.
“And you, cock head!,” said a rearticulate Ingbar. “Why don’t you fucking say something?!? All you do is sit there and eat the pizza!”
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Board of Trustees abandons new school mascot due to school's conflict of interest with weiner industry
Corriander Von Vanderbling
Editor in Chief
A William Mitchell Production
Board of Trustees abandons new school mascot due to school's conflict of interest with weiner industry
Letter from the Editor
A new decade, a new source of beryllium
My agents in the former Soviet republics have unearthed a cache of beryllium such that the Von Vanderbling name will forever be linked to this, the most popular of all alkaline earth metals. With the ensuing financial windfall I plan to take this vaunted news organization to unprecedented heights – children will weep in their beds at the mere thought of our awe-inspiring power. Women will stand up to urinate when contemplating the pancreas-crushing force of our collective will in modern media.
Hansfeld, my Palestinian houseboy, assures me I will soon be able to halt the nervous tugging on my scrotum in which I’ve recently engaged as a habit when poring over my financial numbers. Lift your glasses with me dear readers! To liberty! To diplomatic immunity!
Corriander Von Vanderbling
Editor in Chief
About The Stool
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The Stool is a satirical newspaper. The Stool uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. The content of this website - graphics, text and other elements - is (c) Copyright 2009 by The Stool, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. The Stool is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.