3L can’t wait to give Dorsey & Whitney soul

Hans Olo, The Stool

The lure of money and much tie-wearing was filling the mind of 3L Bob Cousins last week. “I can’t wait to start work,” said Cousins of his newly-accepted position at the highly-respected law firm. “I’m going to be the best junior associate that place has ever seen. I’m going to work hard and make a difference.”

Unfortunately for Cousins, reality is waiting for him – and many like him – with a large, jagged cleaver with which it will circumcise Cousins’ soul from his body like wool from a sheep. “Oh yes, we’re always happy to get junior associates” said one Whitney employee. “They practically beg to be shit on. It’s like going into the army – we break them, and then we mold them into a machine. In this case, a billing machine devoid of conscience or social life.”

“Hey that sounds good to me,” said Cousins. “I have so much loan debt I’d be willing to lick a partner’s taint if it meant getting a job. Really, I’ll do it. Wait, what’s a taint?”

While many law students are chewed up and spit out by Whitney like so much bubble gum, some have made it an entire year, and are most eagerly awaiting a new crop of associates. “I’m going to obliterate them when they get here,” said hollow-eyed ’08 Mitchell alum Jen Pulver. “I’ve slept here so many nights… help me. I need help –“ Suddenly, klaxons began blaring and a large man in a black suit appeared in Pulver’s office doorway. We were told to leave immediately as the man flicked at the needle of a large syringe he produced from an inside coat pocket.