4th tier school showcases 4th tier registration system

Hans Olo, The Stool

As registration has once again descended on the students of William Mitchell, age-old questions concerning the college’s ancient and impotent registration system have again bubbled to the service.

“All I want is a clock,” said 2L Nancy Schneider after wrestling with the system for the third time in her law school career. “Why do they not put a clock on the registration page so everyone knows how long it’ll be until they can register? I probably hit the ‘back’ button on my computer like 40 times, then finally it let me start registering.”

A registrar representative, who declined to be named, told The Stool that a clock would simply be too much work for an already overloaded tech department to handle. “Students don’t really need a clock anyway,” continued the source. “Can’t they just hit ‘refresh’ or something? I’m sorry, you need to leave – this sudoku puzzle isn’t going to solve itself.”

On the whole, students felt cheated, bitter, drained, and belittled by their registration experience. “This system looks and acts like it was built by college freshmen for a group project in their Technology Today class,” said 3L Michael Karoski. “Here’s an amazing idea – how about a way to ‘save’ classes that you’re interested in taking so you don’t have to SCROLL THROUGH THE ENTIRE FUCKING LIST every time you want to add a class. Or – miracle of miracles – show how full a class is getting as registration goes on? Holy shit! That’s a-fucking-mazing!”

Seizing on these, and other obvious ideas culled from the student body, The Stool presented an itemized list of improvements that could easily be made to the registration system in a joint meeting of the technology department and the registrar’s office. After the short list had been read, each participant stared ahead as if in a daze. Eventually the silence was broken when a registrar representative told us “what then hell are [students] going to do about it? Those bitches can eat a bag of baby dicks and like it! Give me that tuition money and shut the FUCK up.”