Irony abounds as fistfight erupts during torts class

Hans Olo, The Stool

A spirited debate about spring traps quickly escalated into fisticuffs between 1Ls Marissa Stutenberg and Leslie Camden during last Monday’s torts class. According to classmates, the girls had been at odds throughout the fledgling semester until things finally came to a head and the class’s textbooks sprang to life.

“They were going back and forth about the morality of spring traps,” said 1L Ryan Hatch, “when Marissa stood up and said ‘you’d shoot anyone wouldn’t you?’ Then Leslie stood up and said ‘I’d shoot you because you’re an ugly whore!’”

Witnesses describe what happened next as a short, but intense, fight that left both women bloodied.

“I couldn’t believe what was happening,” said 1L Elise McCullugh. “It was battery! Battery right there in class! Assault too! There was definitely imminent apprehension going on. Oh my god. It was incredible. I hope this becomes an exam question.”

The scrum was broken up by Mitchell security personnel, but not before Camden was tased as she frantically attempted to fight anyone within reach. “She was saying, ‘Don’t tase me bro!’” said one witness on condition of anonymity, “but they got her anyway. I’m glad – she’s a d-bag.”