Hans Olo, The Stool
After following a link to a website showcasing pictures of obese cats with absurd captions, part-time 4L Cecelia Ajene was unable to stop her nose laughter from gaining momentum. “[Shelley Bachman] IMed me this link during tax, and before I knew it, there was a picture of this huge cat sitting on a motorcycle saying ‘PORK.’ That’s all it was. It shouldn’t have been funny. It’s stupid actually, but when you’re in class everything’s funny.”
Ajene’s friend, Bachman was sitting next to her as the nose laughter began to gain momentum. “I saw out of the corner of my eye that she had opened the link,” said Bachman, “then she started to do that I’m-trying-to-laugh-as-quietly-as-I-can nose laughter thing, and it was so funny sounding, she started to make me laugh. The more she laughed, the more I laughed – plus that damned cat was still on the screen.”
Eventually, both students were drawing the attention of nearby students. “I was afraid the prof was going to notice soon, and it had gotten to the point where thinking about something sad wasn’t working, so I got up and left,” said Ajene. “I was hoping he would say something funny so everyone would laugh and I would be able to get it out of my system, but it didn’t happen. Then when I came back in he called on me to read a case. Of course. Stupid cats.”
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Board of Trustees abandons new school mascot due to school's conflict of interest with weiner industry
Corriander Von Vanderbling
Editor in Chief
A William Mitchell Production
Board of Trustees abandons new school mascot due to school's conflict of interest with weiner industry
Letter from the Editor
A new decade, a new source of beryllium
My agents in the former Soviet republics have unearthed a cache of beryllium such that the Von Vanderbling name will forever be linked to this, the most popular of all alkaline earth metals. With the ensuing financial windfall I plan to take this vaunted news organization to unprecedented heights – children will weep in their beds at the mere thought of our awe-inspiring power. Women will stand up to urinate when contemplating the pancreas-crushing force of our collective will in modern media.
Hansfeld, my Palestinian houseboy, assures me I will soon be able to halt the nervous tugging on my scrotum in which I’ve recently engaged as a habit when poring over my financial numbers. Lift your glasses with me dear readers! To liberty! To diplomatic immunity!
Corriander Von Vanderbling
Editor in Chief
About The Stool
- The Stool
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The Stool is a satirical newspaper. The Stool uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. The content of this website - graphics, text and other elements - is (c) Copyright 2009 by The Stool, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. The Stool is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.