Mario Mason, The Stool
After receiving low marks on three consecutive WRAP assignments, 1L Kelly Bahar is angry with God. “I prayed the shit out of that last assignment,” said Bahar, “and those assholes gave me a low score again! For the third fucking time! What the hell do I have to do to get a decent grade? Sacrifice a virgin or what? God is being a huge dick right now, and I’m getting tired of it.”
With midterms looming, Bahar is even more nervous. “Okay, I didn’t mean that stuff about Him being a dick. Sorry God! I’ve got a civ pro midterm next week and I really need the help. I’m going to put in some really good pray time this week, and a catholic friend of mine from undergrad is going to get me some holy water to drink. If I don’t get an A on that exam, that’s it. I’m switching to Buddism or some shit.”
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Board of Trustees abandons new school mascot due to school's conflict of interest with weiner industry
Corriander Von Vanderbling
Editor in Chief
A William Mitchell Production
Board of Trustees abandons new school mascot due to school's conflict of interest with weiner industry
Letter from the Editor
A new decade, a new source of beryllium
My agents in the former Soviet republics have unearthed a cache of beryllium such that the Von Vanderbling name will forever be linked to this, the most popular of all alkaline earth metals. With the ensuing financial windfall I plan to take this vaunted news organization to unprecedented heights – children will weep in their beds at the mere thought of our awe-inspiring power. Women will stand up to urinate when contemplating the pancreas-crushing force of our collective will in modern media.
Hansfeld, my Palestinian houseboy, assures me I will soon be able to halt the nervous tugging on my scrotum in which I’ve recently engaged as a habit when poring over my financial numbers. Lift your glasses with me dear readers! To liberty! To diplomatic immunity!
Corriander Von Vanderbling
Editor in Chief
About The Stool
- The Stool
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The Stool is a satirical newspaper. The Stool uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. The content of this website - graphics, text and other elements - is (c) Copyright 2009 by The Stool, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. The Stool is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.