Virginia Lupus, The Stool
During the final weeks of class this spring, 2L Martin Krzyzskeis found himself in the throes of a jam session only he could hear. “I was sitting in that room with all the leather chairs studying, listening to my iPod, when this song came on that I really like,” explained Krzyzskeis. “I turned it up, and the next thing I know, I’m…well…I’m really getting down to the song.”
The song – “Save the Last Trance for Me” by Paul Oakenfold – seemed to catch Krzyzskeis at exactly the right moment. “I started bobbing my head a little to the beat with my eyes closed, but as the song went on I really got into it. I started nodding my head hard and even pumping my fist and biting my lower lip towards the end. I guess I was hoping people would ask me what I was listening to so I could share, but it didn’t really end up that way.”
Krzyzskeis’s performance had an effect, but certainly not the one he was looking for. “I was sitting down there when I saw this guy starting to go crazy,” recounted 2L Leslie Paxisl. “His eyes were closed and it looked like he was about to have an orgasm in his pants or something. It was really, really creepy. My friends and I got our stuff and left we were so embarrassed for him.”
“It’s one of those things you can’t take back and you can’t live down,” Krzyzskeis told us. “If I could take it back, I would. The looks on people’s faces around the room when I looked up was awful. If they weren’t whispering to each other and giggling, they were avoiding eye contact with me. Why did I do that?! I’m such an idiot!”
Krzyzskeis may not live down his grand performance, and it serves as a strong reminder to all of us that acting like a buffoon in public in general – and at school in particular – is often a harbinger of unflattering nicknames and social isolation. Beware.
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Board of Trustees abandons new school mascot due to school's conflict of interest with weiner industry
Corriander Von Vanderbling
Editor in Chief
A William Mitchell Production
Board of Trustees abandons new school mascot due to school's conflict of interest with weiner industry
Letter from the Editor
A new decade, a new source of beryllium
My agents in the former Soviet republics have unearthed a cache of beryllium such that the Von Vanderbling name will forever be linked to this, the most popular of all alkaline earth metals. With the ensuing financial windfall I plan to take this vaunted news organization to unprecedented heights – children will weep in their beds at the mere thought of our awe-inspiring power. Women will stand up to urinate when contemplating the pancreas-crushing force of our collective will in modern media.
Hansfeld, my Palestinian houseboy, assures me I will soon be able to halt the nervous tugging on my scrotum in which I’ve recently engaged as a habit when poring over my financial numbers. Lift your glasses with me dear readers! To liberty! To diplomatic immunity!
Corriander Von Vanderbling
Editor in Chief
About The Stool
- The Stool
- The Stool is a comprehensive news source with offices in seven countries and a near-fanatical readership in Mozambique and parts of Burma. Look for new editions of The Stool every Thursday.
Disclaimer
The Stool is a satirical newspaper. The Stool uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. The content of this website - graphics, text and other elements - is (c) Copyright 2009 by The Stool, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. The Stool is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.