Nina Rosenthal, The Stool
The William Mitchell financial aid coordinator, Madge Thurston, insists the Jet Ski that appeared at her Eagan home last Tuesday is not a gift from a financial aid provider. “I’ve been looking at getting a personal watercraft for some time now,” said a visibly agitated Thurston. “My husband must have decided to surprise me.”
The problem with that, as The Stool pointed out, is Ms. Thurston is not married. “What business it that of yours?!” shrieked Thurston. “My private life is none of your affair!”
Other disturbing facts began surfacing after a bit of investigation. First, Thurston lives on the fourth floor of the Lemay Lakes Apartments. Second, she has an inner-ear condition that prohibits her from swimming. Third, painted on the side of the Jet Ski is a message that reads, ‘Thank you from all of us at Access Group’ with Access Group logos prominently displayed on both sides. When confronted with this information Thurston threaten to call the police if we didn’t leave the property. She was then reminded that both her Jet Ski and we were on the public sidewalk. Thurston then threw an orange at us and ran away.
Battery charges against Thurston are pending.
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Board of Trustees abandons new school mascot due to school's conflict of interest with weiner industry
Corriander Von Vanderbling
Editor in Chief
A William Mitchell Production
Board of Trustees abandons new school mascot due to school's conflict of interest with weiner industry
Letter from the Editor
A new decade, a new source of beryllium
My agents in the former Soviet republics have unearthed a cache of beryllium such that the Von Vanderbling name will forever be linked to this, the most popular of all alkaline earth metals. With the ensuing financial windfall I plan to take this vaunted news organization to unprecedented heights – children will weep in their beds at the mere thought of our awe-inspiring power. Women will stand up to urinate when contemplating the pancreas-crushing force of our collective will in modern media.
Hansfeld, my Palestinian houseboy, assures me I will soon be able to halt the nervous tugging on my scrotum in which I’ve recently engaged as a habit when poring over my financial numbers. Lift your glasses with me dear readers! To liberty! To diplomatic immunity!
Corriander Von Vanderbling
Editor in Chief
About The Stool
- The Stool
- The Stool is a comprehensive news source with offices in seven countries and a near-fanatical readership in Mozambique and parts of Burma. Look for new editions of The Stool every Thursday.
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The Stool is a satirical newspaper. The Stool uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. The content of this website - graphics, text and other elements - is (c) Copyright 2009 by The Stool, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. The Stool is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.