Hans Olo, The Stool
With finals over and libations liberated, Mitchell students have been sewing their drunken oats on Twin Cities streets – much to the chagrin of Lawyers Concerned for Lawyers. “We know it’s fun to go out and celebrate the end of the school year with friends, but when celebration turns to abuse we get concerned,” said Chester Gonzolez, the Mitchell chapter chair of LCFL. “We just want to urge students and faculty to enjoy being with friends in moderation, and most importantly, make good decisions around driving while intoxicated.”
“When I got pinched for public drunkeness the night after my torts final, the first thing I thought about was my Bar application,” 2L-to-be Greg Kienel told us. “As soon as I got out [of jail] I signed up with LCFL. What a pain in the ass.” Kienel faces a situation similar to many students as they stare the specter of alcohol-related transgressions in the face.
Others have chosen a more proactive approach. “I signed up [for LCFL] as soon as I heard about it,” said 3L Thomas Robinsson. “I like to have a beer or two on weekends, so I thought ‘it’s better to be safe than sorry,’ and joined just in case. I haven’t needed it yet, but it’s a great place to meet chicks who like to get hammered.”
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Board of Trustees abandons new school mascot due to school's conflict of interest with weiner industry
Corriander Von Vanderbling
Editor in Chief
A William Mitchell Production
Board of Trustees abandons new school mascot due to school's conflict of interest with weiner industry
Letter from the Editor
A new decade, a new source of beryllium
My agents in the former Soviet republics have unearthed a cache of beryllium such that the Von Vanderbling name will forever be linked to this, the most popular of all alkaline earth metals. With the ensuing financial windfall I plan to take this vaunted news organization to unprecedented heights – children will weep in their beds at the mere thought of our awe-inspiring power. Women will stand up to urinate when contemplating the pancreas-crushing force of our collective will in modern media.
Hansfeld, my Palestinian houseboy, assures me I will soon be able to halt the nervous tugging on my scrotum in which I’ve recently engaged as a habit when poring over my financial numbers. Lift your glasses with me dear readers! To liberty! To diplomatic immunity!
Corriander Von Vanderbling
Editor in Chief
About The Stool
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The Stool is a satirical newspaper. The Stool uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. The content of this website - graphics, text and other elements - is (c) Copyright 2009 by The Stool, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. The Stool is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.