Veronica Corningstone, The Stool
Matt Hennessy was waiting for the planet to explode this past Thursday morning after watching a local weather forecast dealing with potentially severe conditions that were supposed to crop up later that day. “The way they were talking about it, we were supposed to have he storm of the century,” said Hennessy, who lives in St. Anthony. “Then nothing happened but a little wind. It was a complete rip-off, and I expect to be compensated for the batteries and bottled water I bought.”
Hennessy admits purchasing a pallet of Ice Mountain bottled water might have been hasty, but is adamant he be compensated for his newly acquired battery collection. “What am I going to do with 32 C batteries?” asked Hennessy. “I thought we were going to be without power for months. I even bought a taser in case there were looters. Channel 4 is going to be VERY unhappy when they see what I have in store for them.”
When asked what charges he plans to file against WCCO, Hennessy replied, “It’s not just Channel 4, it’s all of them. They all suck, and I’m going to own them with a huge suit. We didn’t even get any lightning, dude! Aren’t you pissed?! You should be. I’m super pissed.”
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Board of Trustees abandons new school mascot due to school's conflict of interest with weiner industry
Corriander Von Vanderbling
Editor in Chief
A William Mitchell Production
Board of Trustees abandons new school mascot due to school's conflict of interest with weiner industry
Letter from the Editor
A new decade, a new source of beryllium
My agents in the former Soviet republics have unearthed a cache of beryllium such that the Von Vanderbling name will forever be linked to this, the most popular of all alkaline earth metals. With the ensuing financial windfall I plan to take this vaunted news organization to unprecedented heights – children will weep in their beds at the mere thought of our awe-inspiring power. Women will stand up to urinate when contemplating the pancreas-crushing force of our collective will in modern media.
Hansfeld, my Palestinian houseboy, assures me I will soon be able to halt the nervous tugging on my scrotum in which I’ve recently engaged as a habit when poring over my financial numbers. Lift your glasses with me dear readers! To liberty! To diplomatic immunity!
Corriander Von Vanderbling
Editor in Chief
About The Stool
- The Stool
- The Stool is a comprehensive news source with offices in seven countries and a near-fanatical readership in Mozambique and parts of Burma. Look for new editions of The Stool every Thursday.
Disclaimer
The Stool is a satirical newspaper. The Stool uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. The content of this website - graphics, text and other elements - is (c) Copyright 2009 by The Stool, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. The Stool is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.