Matt Simonson, The Stool
After a particular vigorous drinking session following the completion of her torts final on Tuesday, Patricia Clark, a William Mitchell 1L, went home with a man who was “cute and nice” only to be shocked into sobriety by her partner’s genitals when he took his pants off.
“I was shocked,” said Clark. “I sat there and stared at it and I wasn’t sure what to do. I must have looked funny because he said ‘do you like what you see?’ I didn’t want to make him feel bad, but it was just so disgusting I started to cry. I grabbed my shirt and ran – thank God we were at his place.”
Clark described what she saw that night as “one of the most horrific and stunning things I’ve ever been exposed to. It looked like a mutant – plus when he took his pants off I got this sudden waft of hair creme and African ointments. Oh God, I just threw up in my mouth a little. Excuse me.”
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Board of Trustees abandons new school mascot due to school's conflict of interest with weiner industry
Corriander Von Vanderbling
Editor in Chief
A William Mitchell Production
Board of Trustees abandons new school mascot due to school's conflict of interest with weiner industry
Letter from the Editor
A new decade, a new source of beryllium
My agents in the former Soviet republics have unearthed a cache of beryllium such that the Von Vanderbling name will forever be linked to this, the most popular of all alkaline earth metals. With the ensuing financial windfall I plan to take this vaunted news organization to unprecedented heights – children will weep in their beds at the mere thought of our awe-inspiring power. Women will stand up to urinate when contemplating the pancreas-crushing force of our collective will in modern media.
Hansfeld, my Palestinian houseboy, assures me I will soon be able to halt the nervous tugging on my scrotum in which I’ve recently engaged as a habit when poring over my financial numbers. Lift your glasses with me dear readers! To liberty! To diplomatic immunity!
Corriander Von Vanderbling
Editor in Chief
About The Stool
- The Stool
- The Stool is a comprehensive news source with offices in seven countries and a near-fanatical readership in Mozambique and parts of Burma. Look for new editions of The Stool every Thursday.
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The Stool is a satirical newspaper. The Stool uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. The content of this website - graphics, text and other elements - is (c) Copyright 2009 by The Stool, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. The Stool is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.