Jon Michael, The Stool
Just weeks after instituting a new policy allowing food and drink into the library at Mitchell, disaster struck. According to library personnel, instead of pouring out unwanted coffee or other beverages in a drinking fountain drain or other suitable place, students have been discarding their unwanted liquids by pouring them directly into the N.W. reporter hard copy books.
"The books are completely ruined," said one library official. "We KNEW this would happen if we let food and drinks [into the library]. Last week I found a half-eaten slice of pizza that someone had used as a bookmark, then abandoned on a table. Who does this? It's a disaster."
"I love the new policy," said 3L Lois Anderson. "If I have extra food or drink that I don't want after I'm done studying, I'll just pour it in an air vent or leave it under my chair -- that way I don't have to bother with putting it in a trash can and contributing to global warming."
Library officials are also concerned about a new trend that sees students bringing multiple pairs of pants with them for a library study session, then essentially using them as adult diapers instead of getting up to use the restroom. "When I'm studying, that's what I'm doing. I don't have to get up. Pants are cheap, tuition is not."
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Speaker happy to present on how fucked we are
Jon Michael, The Stool
The bleak economic forecast is concerning for many of this year's crop of Mitchellites, but one upcoming speaker doesn't see what the problem is. "I'm happy to help point out to all of these bright future lawyers that I have a job, and they probably won't," said the Career Strategies for the Great Recession lecture speaker. "The best part is, I'm being paid to point out the obvious -- you have to love tuition."
Student attendees have a different outlook. "I think [the program] will be informative and useful," said 3L Lana Helms. "Of course, I don't need to work anymore. I went to New York City last week to meet with a business associate I met on the internet, and long story short, I happen to be the proud new owner of a certain historic bridge leading from Manhattan to Brooklyn. Law school is for suckers."
The Stool has been able to obtain a copy of the "What Now?" conference's schedule, listed below.
4:30-4:35 - Welcome
4:35-5:00 - Things are worse than you think they are
5:00-5:20 - You're all really fucked
5:20-5:35 - I, on the other hand, have a job and am not fucked like you, who are fucked
5:35-5:50 - Your loans will cripple you forever
5:50-5:55 - I drove here in a nice car
5:55-6:00 - Recap. You're completely fucked
6:00-6:05 - Closing. Handouts will overwhelm you on your fuckedness
6:05-6:10 - Pick up my check from Renate Behrendt
The bleak economic forecast is concerning for many of this year's crop of Mitchellites, but one upcoming speaker doesn't see what the problem is. "I'm happy to help point out to all of these bright future lawyers that I have a job, and they probably won't," said the Career Strategies for the Great Recession lecture speaker. "The best part is, I'm being paid to point out the obvious -- you have to love tuition."
Student attendees have a different outlook. "I think [the program] will be informative and useful," said 3L Lana Helms. "Of course, I don't need to work anymore. I went to New York City last week to meet with a business associate I met on the internet, and long story short, I happen to be the proud new owner of a certain historic bridge leading from Manhattan to Brooklyn. Law school is for suckers."
The Stool has been able to obtain a copy of the "What Now?" conference's schedule, listed below.
4:30-4:35 - Welcome
4:35-5:00 - Things are worse than you think they are
5:00-5:20 - You're all really fucked
5:20-5:35 - I, on the other hand, have a job and am not fucked like you, who are fucked
5:35-5:50 - Your loans will cripple you forever
5:50-5:55 - I drove here in a nice car
5:55-6:00 - Recap. You're completely fucked
6:00-6:05 - Closing. Handouts will overwhelm you on your fuckedness
6:05-6:10 - Pick up my check from Renate Behrendt
Friday, January 30, 2009
4L convinced that students are becoming more attractive
Snivelsome Oldbean, The Stool
Each passing year at William Mitchell sees a new group of students. The old graduate or fade away into dim memories of failure, while a new, and oftentimes younger, crop of 1Ls come in to take their place; their eyes gleaming with eagerness to learn. Any Methuselah-type that lasts long enough to attain the coveted rank of 4L is certain to see many new faces over the course of his or her years at Mitchell. But could those younger faces actually be becoming more attractive? One student thinks so.
David Wooderson, a 52-year-old Custodian by day, fourth-year law student by night, is convinced that the student body is becoming more beautiful. “Look at how hot these chicks are getting!” Wooderson observed while sipping a fountain pop in Hachey Commons. “I mean shit. These chicks are way hotter than when I was a 1L. Way hotter. Shit, they’re even hotter’n when I was a 3L!”
When asked about this phenomenon, many of the mentioned 1L females reported that Wooderson was “creepy” or “disturbing”, and in some cases “a complete psycho.” “I seriously wish that he would fuck off and get his old balls out of my class,” said 1L Emily Harpenger, “And if I ever get another Facebook friend request from him I swear I’m going to get a restraining order.”
Wooderson takes it all in stride. “I know I’m a little older than them, but shit. I might not be able to buy the food, but I can sure look at the menu.” His eyes wander to a girl who walks by his table. “That’s what I like about these 1L girls. I get older, and they stay the same age.”
Each passing year at William Mitchell sees a new group of students. The old graduate or fade away into dim memories of failure, while a new, and oftentimes younger, crop of 1Ls come in to take their place; their eyes gleaming with eagerness to learn. Any Methuselah-type that lasts long enough to attain the coveted rank of 4L is certain to see many new faces over the course of his or her years at Mitchell. But could those younger faces actually be becoming more attractive? One student thinks so.
David Wooderson, a 52-year-old Custodian by day, fourth-year law student by night, is convinced that the student body is becoming more beautiful. “Look at how hot these chicks are getting!” Wooderson observed while sipping a fountain pop in Hachey Commons. “I mean shit. These chicks are way hotter than when I was a 1L. Way hotter. Shit, they’re even hotter’n when I was a 3L!”
When asked about this phenomenon, many of the mentioned 1L females reported that Wooderson was “creepy” or “disturbing”, and in some cases “a complete psycho.” “I seriously wish that he would fuck off and get his old balls out of my class,” said 1L Emily Harpenger, “And if I ever get another Facebook friend request from him I swear I’m going to get a restraining order.”
Wooderson takes it all in stride. “I know I’m a little older than them, but shit. I might not be able to buy the food, but I can sure look at the menu.” His eyes wander to a girl who walks by his table. “That’s what I like about these 1L girls. I get older, and they stay the same age.”
Monday, January 26, 2009
Lawyers Concerned for Lawyers meeting ends in arrests
Jon McClay, The Stool
As the alcoholic support group, Lawyers Concerned for Lawyers, began its first meeting of the new year last week, Mitchell 2Ls Tina Makine and John Aeien began surreptitiously passing a flask filled with Root 100 between themselves during the meeting's "slower moments." "Well, it gets really boring sitting there listening to [the meeting], so Tina and I thought this might make the time pass a little faster," said Aeien.
The group's members and leader, however, were not amused. "It's an affront to everything this organization stands for," said LCfL president Micha Boehr. "I find it offensive on a professional level, a personal level, and a spiritual level. This is not a high school classroom where one should feel the need to 'get away with something.' It's an organization that helps many different people through terribly difficult times in their lives."
"My GOD he so high strung," said Aeien when asked to respond to Boehr's statement. "Jesus man, it was just a little flask. It's not like we brought the whole bottle in."
Boehr apparently became aware something was amiss during the session in question when many of the group's members became more emotional and gregarious than they had in the past. "After we had passed it back and forth a couple times, people sitting around us started asking for a pull, so we gave it to them too," said Makine. "It's a victimless crime -- it's not even a crime! It was a victimless activity! Although I have to say a lot of those people don't know the old 'sip, sip, pass' rule. They just started pounding it until the next person took it away from them."
Police intervention was soon called for as members of the group began throwing punches and ill-conceived karate chops to be the next to take from the flask. William Mitchell security personnel did their part during the fracas by ensuring all cars parked in the Summit lot displayed an appropriate parking permit sticker.
As the alcoholic support group, Lawyers Concerned for Lawyers, began its first meeting of the new year last week, Mitchell 2Ls Tina Makine and John Aeien began surreptitiously passing a flask filled with Root 100 between themselves during the meeting's "slower moments." "Well, it gets really boring sitting there listening to [the meeting], so Tina and I thought this might make the time pass a little faster," said Aeien.
The group's members and leader, however, were not amused. "It's an affront to everything this organization stands for," said LCfL president Micha Boehr. "I find it offensive on a professional level, a personal level, and a spiritual level. This is not a high school classroom where one should feel the need to 'get away with something.' It's an organization that helps many different people through terribly difficult times in their lives."
"My GOD he so high strung," said Aeien when asked to respond to Boehr's statement. "Jesus man, it was just a little flask. It's not like we brought the whole bottle in."
Boehr apparently became aware something was amiss during the session in question when many of the group's members became more emotional and gregarious than they had in the past. "After we had passed it back and forth a couple times, people sitting around us started asking for a pull, so we gave it to them too," said Makine. "It's a victimless crime -- it's not even a crime! It was a victimless activity! Although I have to say a lot of those people don't know the old 'sip, sip, pass' rule. They just started pounding it until the next person took it away from them."
Police intervention was soon called for as members of the group began throwing punches and ill-conceived karate chops to be the next to take from the flask. William Mitchell security personnel did their part during the fracas by ensuring all cars parked in the Summit lot displayed an appropriate parking permit sticker.
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