Hans Olo, The Stool
A spirited debate about spring traps quickly escalated into fisticuffs between 1Ls Marissa Stutenberg and Leslie Camden during last Monday’s torts class. According to classmates, the girls had been at odds throughout the fledgling semester until things finally came to a head and the class’s textbooks sprang to life.
“They were going back and forth about the morality of spring traps,” said 1L Ryan Hatch, “when Marissa stood up and said ‘you’d shoot anyone wouldn’t you?’ Then Leslie stood up and said ‘I’d shoot you because you’re an ugly whore!’”
Witnesses describe what happened next as a short, but intense, fight that left both women bloodied.
“I couldn’t believe what was happening,” said 1L Elise McCullugh. “It was battery! Battery right there in class! Assault too! There was definitely imminent apprehension going on. Oh my god. It was incredible. I hope this becomes an exam question.”
The scrum was broken up by Mitchell security personnel, but not before Camden was tased as she frantically attempted to fight anyone within reach. “She was saying, ‘Don’t tase me bro!’” said one witness on condition of anonymity, “but they got her anyway. I’m glad – she’s a d-bag.”
Friday, September 28, 2007
Several injured after first annual Hachey Commons Rodeo
Snivelsome Oldbean, The Stool
In a press conference Thursday morning, Acting Vice Dean Bill Remerson stated that the first annual Hachey Commons Rodeo “may not have been the best decision,” and the event planning committee “may have to make some changes … for next year’s event.”
The Hachey Commons Rodeo was the first event of its kind on any Law School campus in America, and was modeled after a similar event at Ricardo Montalban School of Law in Coahuila, Mexico. Unfortunately, William Mitchell’s version of the indoor, close-quarter rodeo did not go as planned.
During the very first bull ride, several waiting animals, including a bronco and two enraged bulls, got loose. Four students were injured by the flailing animals. Two vending machines and several tables were also destroyed before the animals were finally restrained.
Because of the catastrophe, plans for other William Mitchell Fall Events, such as the Whal Center Joust and the Burger Library Chainsaw Art Competition, have been put on hold indefinitely.
In a press conference Thursday morning, Acting Vice Dean Bill Remerson stated that the first annual Hachey Commons Rodeo “may not have been the best decision,” and the event planning committee “may have to make some changes … for next year’s event.”
The Hachey Commons Rodeo was the first event of its kind on any Law School campus in America, and was modeled after a similar event at Ricardo Montalban School of Law in Coahuila, Mexico. Unfortunately, William Mitchell’s version of the indoor, close-quarter rodeo did not go as planned.
During the very first bull ride, several waiting animals, including a bronco and two enraged bulls, got loose. Four students were injured by the flailing animals. Two vending machines and several tables were also destroyed before the animals were finally restrained.
Because of the catastrophe, plans for other William Mitchell Fall Events, such as the Whal Center Joust and the Burger Library Chainsaw Art Competition, have been put on hold indefinitely.
Friday, September 21, 2007
Wheeled, handled bags becoming campus-wide annoyance
Hans Olo, The Stool
An increasingly popular and annoying type of bag – the two-wheeled, retractable handle sort ubiquitous to airports around the world, has been drawing the ire of many in the Mitchell community. Students who simply cannot find the strength to haul the five to eight pounds of combined book and laptop weight in a traditional backpack or messenger bag often turn to this scourge of hallways and classrooms for relief.
“I can’t stand those ridiculous things,” said part-time 4L Lane Harrison. “Yesterday at around 5:25 when the stairs were pretty full of people going to and from class, everyone had to wait for some asswipe to stop at the top of the stairs, retract the handle on their little bag, pick it up, walk down the stairs, then at the bottom, stop, set it down, fumble with the handle to re-extend it, then finally start walking again. Just use a backpack you moron! It’s not THAT far of a walk to your car.”
Harrison’s frustration is typical of many Mitchell students. 2L Sharon Jarvais shared what she thinks is one possible solution. “Just tell them to get the fuck out of the stairwells when they’re dicking around with their little handles. I know it’s really tiring carrying your bag around, but come on. Luckily there are portable defibrillators close if you have a stress-induced heart attack.”
An increasingly popular and annoying type of bag – the two-wheeled, retractable handle sort ubiquitous to airports around the world, has been drawing the ire of many in the Mitchell community. Students who simply cannot find the strength to haul the five to eight pounds of combined book and laptop weight in a traditional backpack or messenger bag often turn to this scourge of hallways and classrooms for relief.
“I can’t stand those ridiculous things,” said part-time 4L Lane Harrison. “Yesterday at around 5:25 when the stairs were pretty full of people going to and from class, everyone had to wait for some asswipe to stop at the top of the stairs, retract the handle on their little bag, pick it up, walk down the stairs, then at the bottom, stop, set it down, fumble with the handle to re-extend it, then finally start walking again. Just use a backpack you moron! It’s not THAT far of a walk to your car.”
Harrison’s frustration is typical of many Mitchell students. 2L Sharon Jarvais shared what she thinks is one possible solution. “Just tell them to get the fuck out of the stairwells when they’re dicking around with their little handles. I know it’s really tiring carrying your bag around, but come on. Luckily there are portable defibrillators close if you have a stress-induced heart attack.”
Professor Dayton: “Elder Law is my bitch”
Frank Herrbert, The Stool
A normally sedate and proper Professor Dayton was witnessed blowing off a little steam at Billy’s on Thursday night. “She was obviously feeling pretty good,” said 3L Florence Hunt. “She was with a few people, and was doing a lot of yelling. I couldn’t hear what she said, but she was obviously happy because she was toasting her table every 15 seconds and laughing.”
1L Mark Haeine was seated in a booth adjacent to Dayton’s. “She was definitely doing all the talking,” said Haeine. “At one point she said, ‘That’s right, I said it – elder law is my bitch! No one fucks with my bitch! It’s mine! I own it!’ Then she tried to toast her group, but they looked pretty shocked and weren’t acting fast enough or something, so she just hit her glass against theirs on the table. Then she goes, ‘It’s a toast, sluts! Get happy!”
Professor Dayton was not available for comment at the time of this writing.
A normally sedate and proper Professor Dayton was witnessed blowing off a little steam at Billy’s on Thursday night. “She was obviously feeling pretty good,” said 3L Florence Hunt. “She was with a few people, and was doing a lot of yelling. I couldn’t hear what she said, but she was obviously happy because she was toasting her table every 15 seconds and laughing.”
1L Mark Haeine was seated in a booth adjacent to Dayton’s. “She was definitely doing all the talking,” said Haeine. “At one point she said, ‘That’s right, I said it – elder law is my bitch! No one fucks with my bitch! It’s mine! I own it!’ Then she tried to toast her group, but they looked pretty shocked and weren’t acting fast enough or something, so she just hit her glass against theirs on the table. Then she goes, ‘It’s a toast, sluts! Get happy!”
Professor Dayton was not available for comment at the time of this writing.
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