Hans Olo, The Stool
According to reports, law students at St. Thomas have been engaged in much teeth-gnashing and hand-flapping after Mitchell was vaulted into Tier 1, Top 100 status by US News.
Pointing to their school's vaunted 96-month history, many St. Thomas students stood in mute shock at the thought of Mitchell students continuing to be turned down for employment opportunities with a flashy new law school ranking fresh on their resumes.
When asked about St. Thomas students' reaction, many Mitchell students were confused and surprised to hear St. Thomas had a law school at all. "I bet their Pope Law class is really hard, though" said 2L Tony Gorgon.
Adding fuel to the fire, a recent video has been unveiled that makes The Stool's staff jealous they didn't think of it first. Brilliant, hilarious, and with perfect comedic pitch, the video is destined to be the best thing produced by St. Thomas this year.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Highly-touted 1L injured, likely out for year
Hans Olo, The Stool
After completing a blockbuster acquisition involving US News and World report Tier jockeying, and trades made from Mitchell’s minor league feeder program, Hamline, top executives and faculty at William Mitchell announced today what many feared. John Hanley, the “once in a career” law school prospect the St. Paul school fought so hard to land, will be placed on injured reserve for the entire 2009-2010 school year.
“It’s a disappointing day for us,” said Dean Janus. “It’s disappointing for the school, and for Mr. Hanley as well. I know how much he was looking forward to leading this school to a possible Tier 2 ranking, but we’ll have to put those plans on hold while we focus on getting him healthy and back into shape.”
Hanley’s meteoric rise to the top of his recruiting class came seemingly moments after he completed the new law school-centered Wonderlic test at his pro day this past May. Scouts and deans began buzzing when the results became available. “These are Cardozo-esque scores,” said one University of Michigan recruiter. “I’ve never seen someone with a more natural affinity to the law. He’s a pure talent – he’ll have an immediate impact on whatever program he ends up in.” Even the venerable Harvard scouting staff found it difficult to temper their enthusiasm. “We want him, that’s all there is to it. His analytical scores alone are enough to get him in. Add the rest, and you have the full package.”
After declaring officially for Mitchell in July, Hanley sat down with The Stool and told us about his decision. “This is something I’ve always wanted to do and my dreams are coming true now,” Hanley said. “It’s a special opportunity. William Mitchell is a leader in law schools across the country, and I wanted to be a part of the College’s tradition of excellence.”
All signs were pointing to a break-out year for Mitchell with Hanley in the fold. Many industry pundits even opined that the College had an excellent chance to catch the mighty St. Thomas in this year’s rankings. Then, this past Saturday, tragedy struck.
Coach and mentor Prof. Steenson was putting the new recruit through tort drills when the injury occurred. “It sounded a lot like a shotgun blast,” recalled Steenson. “Have you ever been shot by a shotgun? It hurts. In any event, I looked over and [Hanley] was on the floor. I scooped him up, threw him over my shoulder, jumped out the window, and ran him to the hospital.”
Unfortunately, Prof. Steenson’s heroics were too little too late to stave off Hanley’s season-ending injury. Hanley’s ailment, while rare, is occurring at an alarming rate among the glitterati of law school students across the country.
“Learned Hand surgery is the only option if a student wants a shot at ever being in the courtroom after this kind of injury. I’ve performed hundreds of Learned Hand procedures for law students all over the country,” Mayo Clinic doctor Mary Soest told us. “The procedure I performed on Mr. Hanley was successful, and there is no reason to suspect he will fail to make a complete recovery.”
Recovery from Learned Hand surgery is typically a 12 to 18-month process, and while the injury is a blow to the College’s rankings aspirations, key faculty continue to be optimistic about the future. “They could put elephant turds in my classes and I’d lecture to them as long as my check clears every two weeks,” said Prof. Jordan. “Have you seen my tricycle? Let's go downstairs and I'll show it to you."
After completing a blockbuster acquisition involving US News and World report Tier jockeying, and trades made from Mitchell’s minor league feeder program, Hamline, top executives and faculty at William Mitchell announced today what many feared. John Hanley, the “once in a career” law school prospect the St. Paul school fought so hard to land, will be placed on injured reserve for the entire 2009-2010 school year.
“It’s a disappointing day for us,” said Dean Janus. “It’s disappointing for the school, and for Mr. Hanley as well. I know how much he was looking forward to leading this school to a possible Tier 2 ranking, but we’ll have to put those plans on hold while we focus on getting him healthy and back into shape.”
Hanley’s meteoric rise to the top of his recruiting class came seemingly moments after he completed the new law school-centered Wonderlic test at his pro day this past May. Scouts and deans began buzzing when the results became available. “These are Cardozo-esque scores,” said one University of Michigan recruiter. “I’ve never seen someone with a more natural affinity to the law. He’s a pure talent – he’ll have an immediate impact on whatever program he ends up in.” Even the venerable Harvard scouting staff found it difficult to temper their enthusiasm. “We want him, that’s all there is to it. His analytical scores alone are enough to get him in. Add the rest, and you have the full package.”
After declaring officially for Mitchell in July, Hanley sat down with The Stool and told us about his decision. “This is something I’ve always wanted to do and my dreams are coming true now,” Hanley said. “It’s a special opportunity. William Mitchell is a leader in law schools across the country, and I wanted to be a part of the College’s tradition of excellence.”
All signs were pointing to a break-out year for Mitchell with Hanley in the fold. Many industry pundits even opined that the College had an excellent chance to catch the mighty St. Thomas in this year’s rankings. Then, this past Saturday, tragedy struck.
Coach and mentor Prof. Steenson was putting the new recruit through tort drills when the injury occurred. “It sounded a lot like a shotgun blast,” recalled Steenson. “Have you ever been shot by a shotgun? It hurts. In any event, I looked over and [Hanley] was on the floor. I scooped him up, threw him over my shoulder, jumped out the window, and ran him to the hospital.”
Unfortunately, Prof. Steenson’s heroics were too little too late to stave off Hanley’s season-ending injury. Hanley’s ailment, while rare, is occurring at an alarming rate among the glitterati of law school students across the country.
“Learned Hand surgery is the only option if a student wants a shot at ever being in the courtroom after this kind of injury. I’ve performed hundreds of Learned Hand procedures for law students all over the country,” Mayo Clinic doctor Mary Soest told us. “The procedure I performed on Mr. Hanley was successful, and there is no reason to suspect he will fail to make a complete recovery.”
Recovery from Learned Hand surgery is typically a 12 to 18-month process, and while the injury is a blow to the College’s rankings aspirations, key faculty continue to be optimistic about the future. “They could put elephant turds in my classes and I’d lecture to them as long as my check clears every two weeks,” said Prof. Jordan. “Have you seen my tricycle? Let's go downstairs and I'll show it to you."
First semester 1L eager to wear school sweatshirt to family function
Hans Olo, The Stool
When Dennis Framien walked in the doors of William Mitchell for the first time as a student, he knew exactly what he wanted. “A sweatshirt,” said Framien. “I’ve always wanted one, and now that I go here, I can wear one with pride.” Framien told The Stool he plans to wear the sweatshirt to family functions where his relatives can see he’s in law school “for real” and will give him the proper respect. “Yeah, I’m kind of a big deal right now. I’m in law school, and people ought to recognize that.”
Framien’s sister, Laura, caught wind of the upcoming apparel display and was unimpressed. “Of course he’s going to wear [a Mitchell sweatshirt]. Being in law school is like his life’s goal. We’ll see if he actually graduates.”
When asked about his first impressions of law school after less than a week, Framien told us, “It’s kind of more reading than I thought it would be, but WRAP doesn’t seem like that much work. I think that class will be pretty easy.”
When Dennis Framien walked in the doors of William Mitchell for the first time as a student, he knew exactly what he wanted. “A sweatshirt,” said Framien. “I’ve always wanted one, and now that I go here, I can wear one with pride.” Framien told The Stool he plans to wear the sweatshirt to family functions where his relatives can see he’s in law school “for real” and will give him the proper respect. “Yeah, I’m kind of a big deal right now. I’m in law school, and people ought to recognize that.”
Framien’s sister, Laura, caught wind of the upcoming apparel display and was unimpressed. “Of course he’s going to wear [a Mitchell sweatshirt]. Being in law school is like his life’s goal. We’ll see if he actually graduates.”
When asked about his first impressions of law school after less than a week, Framien told us, “It’s kind of more reading than I thought it would be, but WRAP doesn’t seem like that much work. I think that class will be pretty easy.”
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Dale Jr. yet to be mentioned in perplexing class
For Carrie, The Stool
As finals draw the spring semester to a close, one student remained utterly flummoxed as to the content of one of his courses.
"This class had nothing to do with racing at all," said 3L Blaine Smith, of Coon Rapids. "I was told the Racing Law class was awesome, so I took it. All they've talked about so far is minorities. What the hell? How can you offer a class in Racing Law then not even talk about NASCAR once?"
Although Smith was the first student to mistake "Race and the Law" for "Racing Law," Mitchell faculty is alarmed at the confusion. "Going forward, we decided to change the name of the course to 'Peoples With Increased Levels of Melanin in Their Skin and the Law' to avoid confusion."
Smith remains confused, but holds onto the hope that his favorite NASCAR drivers will be mentioned soon. "I would ask the prof about the migration from the Winston sponsorship to the Nextel sponsorship and I just got stared at. They didn't even talk about Midget Car racing. I mean come ON! I'm going to study up on it anyway, in case it's on the final."
As finals draw the spring semester to a close, one student remained utterly flummoxed as to the content of one of his courses.
"This class had nothing to do with racing at all," said 3L Blaine Smith, of Coon Rapids. "I was told the Racing Law class was awesome, so I took it. All they've talked about so far is minorities. What the hell? How can you offer a class in Racing Law then not even talk about NASCAR once?"
Although Smith was the first student to mistake "Race and the Law" for "Racing Law," Mitchell faculty is alarmed at the confusion. "Going forward, we decided to change the name of the course to 'Peoples With Increased Levels of Melanin in Their Skin and the Law' to avoid confusion."
Smith remains confused, but holds onto the hope that his favorite NASCAR drivers will be mentioned soon. "I would ask the prof about the migration from the Winston sponsorship to the Nextel sponsorship and I just got stared at. They didn't even talk about Midget Car racing. I mean come ON! I'm going to study up on it anyway, in case it's on the final."
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